Cosmic Irony

I was just wondering how easy it might be to make Ann Coulter look like an idiot. I, a college student, might not have a chance against someone who was named “one of the top 100 public intellectuals by federal judge Richard Posner in 2001” (fire that guy) as it mentions in her “About the Author,” but I’ve read a couple of her articles on her website (which is the only place she has a job now, I believe) so I knew what I was up against. Not surprisingly, it was fairly simple: she does it to herself. I only had to purchase her throwaway book from a yard sale for three bucks, titled “How to talk to a Liberal (If you Must)” published in 2004, and use common sense to see just how ignorant she really is.

All the inconsistencies, all the twists of the truth, all the sources that remain a mystery, the examples of what unnamed people are saying, just in her introduction are far too extensive to list on my humble little blog. I will, however, present here a few of her inane remarks:

Freedom of Speech: “There is probably no conservative student newspaper in the country that has not been trashed or burned by liberal” (2).

How dare liberals burn Dartmouth student newspapers in protest! My god! First amendment! All the conservative student press wanted to do is make light of date rape, racism, and poke fun at Native Americans! After all that hard work, I’m sure these righteous young minds are up for a get together, probably keeping themselves warm over a bonfire of Harry Potter books, like any good Christian.

On Torture: “Torturing the guy you know for a fact is withholding information actually works quite well” (7).

Of course! No one admits to a crime they haven’t really committed! We can be sure the people we torture are guilty! Look how many inmates have been put on death row with the solid evidence of a signed confession obtained after hours of interrogation! They weren’t even being physically harmed when they started talking! Let’s just never mind how many confessors have been exonerated through DNA evidence.

Page 8: “Al Gore couldn’t say ‘pass the salt’ without claiming to have invented salt.”

That Al Gore. I’m sure this is in reference to a quote of him saying, “I invented the internet.” Wait, where is that quote? I can’t seem to find it anywhere! Could it be that this is the actual quote, as I found on CNN.com? “During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.” This website makes an excellent point about why Al Gore wasn’t that far off.

Page 10: [Regarding her first rule for talking to a liberal] “Come to think of it, since our side does not accept Klansmen [Senator Bryd], murderers [Ted Kennedy], or rapists [William Jefferson Clinton], this rule may be simplified to: Don’t be defensive.”

That’s right! Because when the Democrats made it clear in 1964 that racism and discrimination were not part of the core values held by that party, a certain segregationist Mr. Strom Thurmond, then a Democrat (Dixiecrat, really), had no where to go but the party that would accept such a man: The Republicans.

As far as rape and murder, good thing justice was served. ­–Oh, what was that you said Voice of Reason? What do you mean not convicted? What do you mean not even charged? Are there any politicians that have been convicted or charged with sex crimes? Maybe these ones?

The ‘F’ Word: “On the bright side, you know you’ve arrived when liberals start calling you a fag. Curiously, these proponents of tolerance always choose ‘gay’ as their most searing epithet” (15).

Do I need to go here? I can’t even sarcastically address this one! Really, Google “Ann Coulter calls (Take a pick: Clinton, Gore, or Edwards) a fag” and you get all kinds of websites! Including YouTube, where you can hear her say the very word! What a nut! How many liberals did she name that use the word fag? Nought! Because she’s got monopoly on it!

The best part is, she thinks she can say “It was a joke” and everything is ok. We’ll forgive her without an apology because she was only poking fun. And now for a personal antidote just to prove a point: When I reached the ripe age of seven, I realized I could hurt my little sister’s feelings calling her names and get away with it by shouting, “Just kidding! I was only joking with you!” Fortunately, my parents are smarter than Coulter’s (who should have left her at the hospital in whatever year she says she was born-it changes all the time). They realized quickly my scheme and put a stop to it right away.

Ok, one more and then I’m done.

How to Beat up on a Republican: Page 11 and 12 the right-wingnut tells her minions never to compliment a Democrat because “compliments to Democrats are always returned with insults.” She then describes an epidode of “Larry King Live” from May 7, 2004. As evidence of Democrats returning insults to the compliments of conservatives, she uses the first statement of each senator featured on the show.

Senator John Warner (Republican of Virginia): “First, If I may say of my colleagues on the committee, and twenty-four senators out of twenty-five were present at that hearing, I think we comported ourselves individually and collectively as best I’ve seen it in the Senate….”

Senator Jon Kyl (Republican of Arizona): “I agree with Senator Warner that the senators comported themselves well for the most part….”

Senator Tom Harkin (Democrat of Iowa): “Well, [Rumsfeld should resign] for a couple of reasons.”

Sure sounds to me like Democrat beating up on Republicans that was just trying to give out kudos for the great job that was done! As soon as the Republican senators give out compliments, that Harkin belligerently tries to dispute them!

In reality, the second and third quotes are much further in the transcript than the first. Harkin is not replying to Kyl and Warner’s compliments of a job well-done. He is answering a question posed by the host of the show, Larry King.

King: “Senator Harkin, why do you think he should resign?”

Sen. Harking: “Well, for a couple of reasons”.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the whole point of a talk show to feature two different opinions?

Her next example of Democrats beating up on Republicans is a transcript from “Meet the Press” that I found dated on May 9, 2004

A few days later, Republican senator Lindsey Graham used about half his allotted time on Meet the Press to make clear he had absolutely no criticisms of the Democrats: “I didn’t come here to beat on Senator Kerry or to defend any political position. This is not about Republican and Democratic politics….[Let’s] show the world that Republicans and Democrats may disagree on policy and the war in Iraq, but we have the ability to make sure those accountable are going to be held accountable….Republicans and Democrats need to come together to prove to the world that our system works.”

The Democrats on the panel returned the love by accusing President Bush of responsibility for Abu Ghraib prison abuse (Senator Carl Levin: “I think he helped to create the atmosphere,” saying the mission in Iraq would probably fail (General Wesley Clark: “I think there is a greater than 50/50 chance, let’s say 2:1 chance, of a catastrophic early end to this mission”).

I found the transcript on NBC.com. They ask that any use of their material be cited as NBCNews’ Meet the Press©2004. They are so nice. Random House (the shrew’s publisher) will probably take me away in the middle of the night for all the material I’m using against- I mean from- Coulter, even if I do cite it.

First of all, Levin does not say, “I think he helped to create the atmosphere” in response to Graham’s statement. Graham’s statement comes much later in the transcript. In fact, Levin is responding to the host, who had asked, “You believe the president then is ultimately responsible?” Levin answers, “I think he helped to create the atmosphere by the way in which he called the Geneva Convention discussion relative to Afghanistan a matter of legalism. It’s not legalism. It goes right to the heart of this matter.”

Not only does Coulter include incomplete quotes and position them in such a way as to mislead her faithful readers, but she leaves context out as well. Graham didn’t appear on Meet the Press to talk about uniting parties. The point of the show was to find out who was responsible for the torture that occurred at Abu Ghraib. Again, aren’t talk shows supposed to feature different points of view? Unless you are Fox News, the point of these debates is to show both sides of an issue.

So, after all 18 pages of the introductory chapter, I have one of the longest blogs I’ve ever written, and I even left a lot of her screw-ups out. You should really read the one about liberals “getting drunk and having unprotected public sex with Colin Farrell” (page 11, regarding her feelings toward public apologies). If you can find a free copy, pick it up and see for yourself. However, don’t spend any money on it because I can honestly say I want my three dollars back.

 

Now for the boring stuff:

Sources:

CNN Larry King Live. “Analysis of Donald Rumsfeld’s Congressional Testimony.” CNN.com © 2005 Cable News Network LP, LLLP. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved.

Coulter, Ann. How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must): the world according to Ann Coulter. New York: Crown Forum, 2004.

NBC News’ Meet the Press Copyright © 2004, National Broadcasting Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved.